Desperately Seeking Something

Posted on | September 12, 2011 | 6 Comments

I know I’ve mentioned Karen to you before. Remember? She’s the one who did what I did… jumped off the corporate cliff with no real ideas on how to fly. She’s one of the people I think of when I see this:

Credited to Janet Lawrence, found via Pinterest.

Karen’s cliff was way higher than mine, she was a big important lawyer making actual money, the kind people buy things like houses and boats and second houses with (ok, maybe that’s just what I would buy with it). But she had some of the same issues I had when it came to walking away from a successful career, namely that she was miserable in it.

Learning Karen’s story helped me understand that I’m not the only one who thinks it’s OK to walk away from something that’s making you desperately unhappy, even if that something comes with a paycheck*.

But then, what are you walking toward?

That’s what I’m working on right now. See, on the surface I quit my job to stay home with my daughter. She’s 2. Today. But in about 20 minutes or so she’s going to be 5. Then 10. Then we’ll be fighting about boys and clothes and music and curfews and then she’ll be who knows what. And yes, we may have more kids but they’re going to do the same thing and it’s going to happen just as fast.

I’ve been looking for some way to understand and articulate what I want the underlying theme of my new life to be. Because it is a new life. Most of the people in it are the same, and while I am not a different person I am changing a lot right now. And that’s cool. And fun. And scary. And probably annoying at times for people who live with me.

Because no matter what my title is or how many hours in the day I spend providing primary care to a small child, or sewing napkins, or writing to the internet, the life I am building should be the framework that supports my passions. It should be the thing that makes it so the rest of me can “go”.

Doesn’t that sound like kind of a tall order?

Yeah. And there are times the process of designing and building that new life make me absolutely nuts. And also super laid back and pleasant to be around. And also crazy.

See?!

To me, the manner in which Karen approached the task of understanding herself and then arranging her life to best support that person was really impressive. I was thrilled a few weeks ago when she mentioned teaching a guided self study program and I jumped on it.

We’re in week 2 of 5 total weeks and so far it’s pretty amazing. I’m figuring things out in a big way. And I’m not saying they’re things I couldn’t have gotten to on my own (one of the coolest things about the way this course works is that you do all the work yourself, she just walks you through the exercises that worked for her as well as shares some additional tools and resources that can help you take the exercises anywhere it might turn out you need them to go. Also she provides tremendous encouragement and gentle guidance when you punk out. Not that I have yet. But who are we kidding? That’s gonna happen. Ahem.) but having someone who’s already been down the dark and twisty path of “now what the hell do I do?” show up with a flashlight, a positive attitude and maybe a granola bar is pretty freaking helpful.

Also there are colored pens involved. And collages. And a glue stick. It’s fantastic.

I can already see myself making some small changes that better reflect who I am and what I want. And I’m not just talking about this:

Bacon Ranch Slow Cooker Chicken found via Pinterest

It’s from Kelly’s Healthified Kitchen. It’s in my crock pot right now. Smelling amazing.

I’m trying new things. Not all are big things, some are really small things like new recipes and crafts with Piper. Doing things I’ve always wondered about but never got around to. Does anyone else remember the part in one of the Little House books when Laura talks about Ma’s apple with cloves stuck in it? It was a holiday thing and supposedly made the house smell great.

Well it does. In a much more subtle (and to me, more pleasant) way than a cinnamon broom or big candle.

See one of the things I learned last week was that creating a comfortable and inspiring home for myself and my family is something that actually lights me up. It’s not the actual cleaning and painting and moving stuff around to see what piece of furniture is better where. That crap is boring. And I don’t actually like it.

I like the result. And I like being the one who achieved it.

I? I like to nurture.

Who knew?

Now lest you sit there and say to yourself “Holy crap. she’s saying she took an internet course and found out a clove apple is her spirit-animal?! This is pathetic!” let me assure you this is not that.

There are a lot of other wonderful and awesome and much, much more important and insightful things going on here. I’m just not sharing them all with you. I may choose to share more as I move forward. But I may not. You know, neener neener or whatever.

Either way, I like to think we might all enjoy the results.

*Both myself and as far as I know, Karen, did this the responsible way. As in, our financial situations are such that our kids aren’t sleeping in homeless shelters and we’re not hiding from any repo guys. I’m not saying you should up and quit your job just because you had a bad day and you’d rather be home making clove-apples and playing with your crock pot.  I mean you can! If you want! I’m not the boss of you or anything! Just, you know, be a grown up and stuff.

{Disclosure} I know I’m talking up the Chookooloonks Pathfinder course quite a bit in this post. Rest assured I paid for the class in full and the opinions expressed here are my own. Including the one about collages being fantastic.

{Second Disclosure} In the 30 minutes it took me to do this post the chicken is smelling even more amazing. I think it’s trying to overthrow the clove-apple spirit-animal .

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Comments

6 Responses to “Desperately Seeking Something”

  1. Jill @BabyRabies
    September 12th, 2011 @ 6:15 pm

    I am so excited for you! And that clove thing? Totally going to try it.

  2. Beverly
    September 12th, 2011 @ 8:09 pm

    I believe that you are experiencing more than you know. You are creating memories for you, such memories. How long can you hold the type of attention that your daughter holds when she looks at you and listens to you, even though she pretends she is not hearing you. She is listening, she wants to learn because you have made it fun, not a challenge, just excitement. She is thriving and I could not be happier for you both.

    Your decision was not impulsive, you thought it through, you talked with your spou
    se, you waited. It’s like planting a garden, you dug the yard up, then pulled the weeds, turned the dirt over and planted some seeds. Alas a harvest.

    Never have been prouder of you and your family.Enjoy

    Love Mom

  3. Theresa
    September 12th, 2011 @ 10:57 pm

    Your mom is so supportive and loving by writing that response <3

    What a lovely post!

  4. Abigail @ Skywaitress
    September 13th, 2011 @ 12:20 am

    I made that clove apple thing once as a kid at the library. Pretty sure it was some kind of Little House reading thing. They are pretty freaking awesome.

    As far as your journey goes, I’m excited for you. It sounds like a really neat class. Figuring out exactly who you are, what you what and HOW to get there is probably one of the best things anyone can do for themselves. It’ll be really neat to see what you figure out.

  5. Krista
    September 13th, 2011 @ 6:22 am

    It took me half a day to read this because I kept getting distracted and I really wanted to pay attention to what you were writing. This course you speak of? Sounds pretty awesome. And sounds like something I so desperately could use. Excited for you, lady! Go get ‘em!

  6. R's Mom
    September 13th, 2011 @ 9:50 am

    The course sounds really cool. And the clove-apple thing? I’m totally going to do that!!

    I had to comment on the “build your wings” quote. When I was in a really dark place about 10 years ago, a dear friend gave me a post card with that quote on it. And I hung it on my bulletin board and looked at it every day. It sort of became my mantra. I recently passed on my postcard to a friend that I thought could benefit from it. That saying is etched in my heart & in my head, and has helped me through some scary, rough patches in my life.

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